The Texas Bluebonnets

Its a "thing" in Texas to take pictures of things you love (children, dogs, yourself) in the bluebonnets.  In fact, bluebonnets in themselves are a "thing" in Texas.  I remember the first time I passed bluebonnets in the car with a Texan and they pointed them out to me and I, of course, had been clueless.  I did not really appreciate them then, but now that I have been there 3 spring seasons their beauty has become something to wait on.  When spring time rolls around you will be driving down the highway or interstate and there they are, as if they sprang up over night.  

In honor of my 3rd and last spring in Fort Worth I took pictures of something I love in the bluebonnets, Cali.  

Morningside Milers Club

At our after school program at Morningside Middle one of my teachers recently did the most amazing class. He pulled together a group of students with potential and desire to be runners and created a run club. They trained for 4 weeks and their goal was to run the Seminary stride 5k on April 25th. Some incentives for the kids were a brand new pair of custom fitted running shoes, a nights stay in a hotel and a celebration dinner.
We found teachers and friends to donate money to buy each kid a brand new pair of shoes and each kid got to go to Luke's Locker and get fitted for shoes that worked for them.














The night before their race they got to stay in a hotel and hang out. They were so well behaved. All of us were so proud of them.













All of the team members finished the race and 2 of them even won trophies in their age division. They were the highlight of the race. Everyone there cheered them on each time one crossed the finish line. Below is a picture of the 2 students who received trophies. To the left is Ellisiah. He finished in 25 minutes and placed 2nd in his division. And to the right is Tayana. She finished 2nd in her age division.

We also had a lot of parents and families come and cheer on their students as they crossed the finish line. It was very moving to watch them. Below is Tayana with her grandmother, aunt and brother.

This final picture is of the entire team. I have been here for 3 years in this job and this is by far the most amazing thing we have done. These kids may not have a lot, but they have a lot to give if someone taps into their potential and gives them a chance.

.resurrection.

When I was in high school I had to do this leaf collection for science class. I am sure most people hated this project and though I am sure I will be labeled a dork, I loved it. My favorite discovery was the plant in the picture to the left. This is called Resurrection Fern. It grows on trees and goes mostly unnoticed by people. It gets its name because it looks dry, dead and withered most of the time. But after a rain, the plant opens up and comes alive again. This process repeats throughout the entire cycle of the ferns life.
I am getting so close to the end of this three years that has been so difficult and trying in so many ways. My soul has been dry and weary and battered. I have spent so much of the last three years withered (not dead). The past three years as well as all the things that are weighing on my heart right now (my future, a job, finishing in Fort Worth, my grandmother's impending death, etc.) though they are withering to the soul they are also causing me to lean into the cross more heavily. They are an opportunity for the Lord to bring the rains and resurrect what appears dead. My prayer this Easter for myself, more than for a job and more than for direction, is that the Lord would resurrect my heart. That He would grant me the grace to lean into all of these things and await the rain He will inevitably send.

Romans puts it this way: "For if we have been joined with Him in the likeness of His death, we will certainly also be in the likeness of His resurrection."

In Philippians Paul says, "My goal is to know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, assuming that I will somehow reach the resurrection from among the dead."

Peter says, "Blessed be the God and father of our Lord Jesus Christ. According to His great mercy, he has given us a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead."

A Day of Firsts

About a week ago I experienced two "firsts" in one day-one good and one not so good. I was sitting in my office when one of my students who had not come for a while came in and sat down. A few weeks before she had skipped out on her class and disappeared until after our program was over. When I tried to confront her about it she ignored me and when I tried to pull her aside to speak with her she jerked out of her book bag and stormed off. When I chased after her to see what was wrong she broke down and told me to leave her alone so she could go home. This was not like her. She was really upset. She finally let another staff member sit down with her to talk and she cried her eyes out- stuff at home is really rough. She stopped coming to the program for a few weeks until this particular day. She walked in, sat down and said, "I want to apologize for how I acted towards you. I shouldn't have done that and I am sorry." I have worked with these students for 2 years and 1. I have never had a student admit that they did anything wrong and 2. I have never had a student apologize. That was a shining moment for me; a light in a sometimes dark world. It gave me hope, but what happened later that day cast a dark shadow over that hope and it was my second "first."

I had a confrontation with an angry parent, whose only agenda was to let me know how she felt about everything my staff and I had done wrong. She did not want to talk or discuss issues that were for the benefit of her daughter. She did not give me a chance to speak. She was angry and she came to let me know it and leave. I was somewhat dumbfounded. I often wonder why students are the way that they are and why the so poorly handle conflict and then I am enlightened by an experience like that. We teach our students to lay aside the fighting and the arguing and handle conflict in a more productive way, but we

Fit Stix

Recently, I have been on the lookout for unusual things in the grocery store. It's a weird thing to do I know, but it has actually proved to be very interesting. It all started because I have to go to this tiny non-mainstream grocery store for work and there are all kinds of things there that you would not find in your local Kroger or Albertsons or whatever store is predominately shopped my middle to upper class folks.

This find, however, was at one of those said middle to upper class stores-Albertsons. Last night I went to pick up some things with my roommate and I found this on the baking aisle...Sunsweet Fit Stix, Plum flavored. If you try to google it you will come up with this website, which is promiting actual sticks that you hold while doing aerobics. They are marketing their product to the average consumer who is enticed by the NBA logo and the idea that one bite of this product and you would be on your way to athletic stardom. Maybe Fit Stix is an offcial sponsor of the NBA, who knows. If that didn't speak to you there is always the "100% Fruit Bar" plug that is calling the fit nut in you to act by purchasing this product and the fact that the name of the product actually contains the word "Fit."
Working against them however, is the picture of the shiny, juicy, NATURAL plum sitting right next to the 100% Fruit Bar. If someone was standing in front of me with a real plum in one hand and plum flavored stick of gum looking thing in the other, I am going to have to say I would choose the plum.
If you are into the Fruit Stix thing, however, you might be interested to know that Plum is not the only flavor-there are 2 more equally enticing fruit imitations, although I can't recall what they are at the moment. I think I will stick with the real deal and give up my dreams of becoming a fit NBA star- I was never much for fruit snacks anyway.

deference training

I am really struggling, and in many ways have always struggled, with what I want to do with my life. I floundered in college, back and forth, from major to major and then landed, with an extra semester of school, on a degree that is mostly worthless. I spent a semester traveling and working, a summer working at camp and then enrolled in Seminary, where I have spent the last 3 years somewhat avoiding the decision I now face again-what do I want to do with my life. Seven years later I am still trying to "figure it out." Figuring things out is a common human agenda and a huge barrier between a life of deep faith and life run by the illusion of control. If I can figure it out, then I can control it.

A couple of weeks ago my roommate and I took our puppies to the vet. The vet who saw them just happened to be an animal behavioral specialist. She told us she was going to show us something called deference training. It is designed to teach your dog who is the master and who is not. Basically, she took each dog, one at a time, and held it down on its side. When the dog struggled against her she would make a disapproving noise and push down until the dog relaxed. When the dog stopped fighting she would praise it. She repeated this until the dog was perfectly relaxed and then she repeated the process with each dog on its back. Surprisingly, Henry fought the hardest (Really hard) and she said that he had a control issue. Though he is a sweet and good natured dog, he does not like not being in control. The vet explained that when a dog defers to its master, it is relinquishing its control and showing its full trust in the master's authority.

Every time I do this deference training with Cali it weighs on me that this is a picture of my relationship with God. I am in desperate need of deference training. I have, for a quite a while now, been "running my own life," with my own agenda, and when I look back on it, I have been running in circles. By trying to control the path of my life, the only thing I can be sure of is that I have missed opportunities to truly live. Unfortunately, God doesn't pin us down until we cry uncle. He allows us to live under the illusion of control for as long as it takes for us to realize that it is just that, an illusion; and that relinquishing control to him is actually what will set us free to truly live.

I am praying for the strength to lay my control down, to lay on my side relaxed, giving my Master my full trust.

Something I do not understand

I saw something recently that I just don't understand. I have seen this before and it baffled me then as well. I was eating at the Magnolia Pancake house, or as its German patrons call it "haus," in San Antonio, TX and I went into the restroom. When I walked into the stall the toilet had one of those sensory operated plastic toilet seat cover dispensers. This "wasn't a do it yourself if you like that sort of thing version." This was "if you don't want to sit on plastic while you go, you're out of luck version." Now I understand that some people have an aversion to touching any toilet seat anywhere, and those are the people who would appreciate this invention. I am just not one of those people. In fact, I find that plastic covering more unsanitary than the plain ole' seat. I do not know if the one currently covering the seat is used or not. Then if I press the sensor and the current cover disappears, where does it go? How does the new one pass through the same portal and not become unclean?
What I would really like to do is just walk in and not have to think about any of this. These plastic seat covers really ruin that for me. I just don't understand them. In the words of one of my coworkers, "Sick, gross and repulsive!"

Puppy Update

Most of these pictures were taken before or after a run. The puppies love running, but are exhausted afterward.




















To the left Cali is so tired she can't stand up to drink.

Dreyer's Slow Churned

Tomorrow will mark the end of the first week of my Lenten journey. Giving up baked goods has been difficult (because they are everywhere), but I have found my solace in the fact that icecream, one of my favorite things on earth, is NOT a baked good. And all the people said, "Amen."

I LOVE ice cream of all kinds, from all places, at all times. This past year I discovered Dreyers Slow Churned, which is 1/2 the calories and fat, and in my opinion, ALL of the taste! I like every flavor I have tried so far and last night may have topped them all. I bought Strawberry Cheesecake. Now I love Ben and Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream with its thick graham cracker crust layers, it is fantastic! And of course Ben and Jerry's is about as unhealthy as you can get in the ice cream world. I didn't expect much from the Slow churned version, but it was FANTASTIC!!!! It had it's own layer of that delcious graham cracker crust and I think it tastes pretty similar to good ole' Ben's version, but with only 120 calories in a 1/2 cup serving as opposed to 1 billion calories in the other.

So, if you're in the store and you want some ice cream without the damage, pick up some Dreyer's (or where I am from Edy's) Slow Churned.

An Odd Conviction

On Saturday my roommate and I went and ran a bunch of errands around the city. Fort Worth, just like any city, has no shortage of people asking for money for everything from personal use to any variety of charities nobody has ever heard of. I cannot remember the last time I have said yes to any of these legit or not so legit requests. We got back home on Saturday, pulled into the driveway and I had just stepped out of the car and turned around and there was a man with his arms in the air walking towards me in my backyard (we park in our gate behind our house). I was startled for sure and since Melanie was on the phone the man approached me to "make his pitch," assuring me he was sorry for the disturbance and he wasn't a creep. He was a young, 19 year old, black man, dressed in a shirt and tie, but somewhat looked as if life had been hard on him. He gave me his pitch, some of which I understood and some not. Basically he was trying to raise money for school through this company where he sells magazines door-to-door. He explained his deep desire to be different, to not be lazy, to try to start over and make something of himself. He told me he knew nobody wanted magazines and that I could buy some and donate them to a children's hospital. He even showed me his least expensive option. Often the nature of these situations allows you to say no and feel less akward about that decision, but this guy was in my backyard and I had no excuses and no outlet. I told him I didn't feel comfortable with the idea. He said he didn't need cash...that I could write a check to the company to feel safe about the money, but I still said no.

Normally I leave that type of situation feeling annoyed or guilty, but not in a convicted way. But hours later, I couldn't shake this one. I felt convicted and sorrowful almost that I had said no because I realized that I always say no. I can I always find an excuse why helping someone who asks for money is not a good idea. I am always the skeptic-"I don't feel comfortable," "What are they going to do with it." "Is this legit?" Or I am just annoyed that I can't pump gas without being hit up for money or that someone asking puts me in a situation where I have to be the bad guy. I realized how hard my heart had gotten to other people. I understand we should be wise and that it isn't always possible to give money to everyone who asks and that in some cases it isn't smart to give money, but I also know that there is something wrong with always saying no and even more than that, there is something wrong with the skeptical negative feelings towards the asker.

I found myself wishing I knew where that guy was, so that I could hand him my precious $20 bill and help him out, but I missed my chance. So, this is what I have decided to do. It is impossible, in those moments, to determine whether someone is legit or not or whether you should give. I do not want to be hard and uncaring, nor do I think its smart to always say yes. I want to be more open and giving and not worry so much about what someone will actually do with it. I want to leave it up to the Lord to place the needy in my path. I am going to start carrying a small amount of cash each month just for this purpose. The money is dedicated to using it for small acts of charity like the one I encountered on Saturday. Once it's gone, it's gone. But it's the Lord's money, not mine and I do not need to worry about the outcome, I just need to be prepared to give. I am hoping that this will free me up (my heart especially) to love people and take advantage of opportunities that the Lord gives me. It's not a perfect plan, but I look forward to seeing what God does with it. I have a feeling, as with most things, that the Lord will use it to do more in me than He will for those the money goes to.

Fat Tuesday

Yesterday was Fat Tuesday and I took advantage of every moment. I had Chickfila for breakfast with my roommate using our calendar coupons, a cherry turnover that the Sweet Creation kids at work made, and an astounding amount of Texas Sheet Cake Melanie and I made just for the occasion.

I have never participated in Fat Tuesday before, but that is probably because I have never participated in Lent before, until this year of course. So, what am I giving up? Well that was a tough question. I would say that the biggest area of my life I lack discipline in is food. I am not a myspacer or that big of a facebooker. I like to eat, but not just anything. I like to eat sweets. There is not a food item outside of sweets that I couldn't live without for 45 days. So this year for Lent, I am giving up baked goods. This is no easy task! I have a bible study on Monday nights that baked goods are a pillar of. At work we have a baking class twice a week, where I am frequently a taste tester. Not to mention the fact that my roommate loves to bake and makes excellent sweets! Lent might be the only way that I could successfully defeat my love of sweets. Other times, in moments of weakness I just have to weigh whether or not the sweet is worth it, and normally I cave. During Lent, however, I have to weigh whether or not the sweet is worth more than Jesus...Now how am I going to cave on that?

On top of the giving up baked goods for 45 days over Lent, I have also signed up for the Biggest Loser Pound for Pound Challenge. For every pound you lose they donate a pound of food to feed the hungry. I think this is a modern day version of God's "The fast I choose" from Isaiah. We give up, not so we can boast, but so that someone else can have. This helps me put my eating into perspective. If I cut back on my excess, someone else will not go hungry.

It is day 1 of 45 and it's going well. I just have to keep reminding myself: "sweets or Jesus" and "feed myself or feed the hungry."

Something that really irriates me.

I went to Target today with my roommate to get some groceries. We load my car up afterward and there wasn't a cart return close on our aisle so Melanie walked across the next aisle to return our cart. I started the car and as I was waiting I noticed about 6 carts within about 10 yards of me that had either been left in a space or pushed up onto the curb. I hate that kind of thing. How hard is it to return your shopping cart to the proper place. It probably took Melanie 15 seconds total to walk over and back. I know that I have plenty of my own moments of selfishness and laziness, so my righteous indignation is probably not warranted. However, hundreds of people shop at Target and Walmart and places like that and because some people do not think they can spare 15 extra seconds somebody who gets paid minimum wage is going to spend several extra hours rounding up stray carts all over the parking lot. But that's the problem with us...all we think about is us. Forget the man whose job it is to gather the carts (they do not gather themselves), I cannot possibly spare 15 seconds.

Sunsets do not wait

The most beautiful things in life happen in the moment. For instance, sunsets and sunrises do not wait on anyone to stop what they are doing and take them in. They simply are and then they are gone. It only takes moments for something like this to pass us by; while we are saying, "Hold on I have to finish this or that" or "in a minute, I am busy." Those moments we spend putting off the sunset cost us an amazing amount of beauty. The sun will still be setting, but the majesty may already be gone. This was the sky that greeted me as I left work one evening last week. As I stood in the school yard and snapped this photo it hit me how quickly these moments change and how easy it is to miss them if you are not paying attention. Living in the moment all day long is like a thousand of these views over and over again.

Blossoms of the present

Life has brought me to this place again where the fears of "tomorrow" are stacking up like newspapers at an abandoned house. I have finished Seminary and I am nearing the end of my journey here in Fort Worth; running out of excuses not to take the next step. Where do I go? What type of job do I get? I couldn't be more uncertain if someone set me down in an airport and told me to pick a destination. I do not really have a place to go "back to." I could go to South Carolina, Georgia, stay in Texas....anywhere really. And then when I get there what job do I look for? A church? A school? _____?

To complicate all of this, too often we believe that once we finally do get to this next place, or take this next step, then our life will really begin. We are always waiting, always looking to the future, or getting lost in the past. What will happen? Where will I be? Will I get married? Why did that happen or this not happen? I wish I could get back to there. I wish I hadn't have made that decision. And on and on we go and all the while Life, real life, is passing us by.

It seems as if everything I have read in the last month has focused on living in the present moment; Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning, Cold Tangerines by Shauna Neiquest, Divine Guidance by Dallas Willard. Each of these reminds the believer that life is experienced in the present. Brennan Manning says:

The music of what is happening can be heard only in the present moment. To be fully present is an act of radical trust that God can be encountered at no other time an din no other place than the present moment. It is through immersion in the ordinary-the apparently empty, trivial, and meaningless experiences of a routine day-that life is encountered and lived. Real life is not about words, concepts, and abstractions but about experience of who or what is immediately before us.

When Jesus said, "Do not worry about tomorrow" He was calling us to live in the moment. How easy it is for me to retreat into the past or worry about the next thing on my to do list and miss all the goodness in my immediate line of sight.
I was sitting in my backyard today eating lunch and watching my puppies play, and of course, thinking about my future...What job do I want? blah blah blah. And then it happened. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed something amazing-Blossoms on my tree. This tree that dumped 10 trash bags worth of leaves in my backyard two months ago had suddenly sprouted new life. I see this tree everyday, but I never REALLY SEE it. While I was busy taking the dogs out, heading to work, taking out the trash, running down my daily list, I had missed the life sprouting right outside my door. In this small moment of attentiveness in my backyard, God reminded me of His goodness, of His presence, of His desire to continuously bring new life from death. That moment, is more powerful than all the thoughts I will have today of past and future.

Mosaic House

I started this blog a little over three years ago, in December of 2005. In January of 2006, after my college graduation, I took a trip to Europe with 3 guys I was friends with in college. The Lord had given them this vision to open a hostel as a ministry over there. At that point in their lives it was only a dream, one they had no idea would actually become a reality with such a strong presence of God's working upon it. I was really just along for the ride, I mean I had no job and who wouldn't want to go to Europe. While we there we randomly met two different people would become integral parts of this hostel process. One, a young guy working in a hostel with the same vision and a lot of European connections, and Two, one of the most successful hostel owners in Prague, Matthias. We ate lunch with Matthias one day and the guys asked him all types of questions. Three years ago, they had no idea he would be a primary investor in their endeavor. David, one of the guys, and his wife have been in Prague for a year now working for Matthias while the construction of the Mosiac House, their hostel is underway. Daniel, the second guy, has lived in Texas as long as I have doing various ministry jobs and is now the Pastoral assistant to Chris Seay at Ecclesia in Houston. I was in Houston this past weekend and I went to that church and as I sat back and listened to Daniel pray I thought back through the experiences we all shared over there. He is moving to Prague in 4 weeks and he and David will be the managers or their dream, the Mosaic House.

Though I will not be moving to Prague and though it was not my vision, I feel like I have shared in the hope of its realization this whole time. I am amazed at how the Lord has accomplished this vision through these guys. This vision was fun and cool and interesting, but very difficult to carry out. It is one thing to start something in your home country, but moving to another one to begin something like this is nearly impossible and yet, it has happened with amazing ease.

I wasn't a skeptic, but maybe I was. Maybe I doubted that the Lord would do it or that He could. And even now I think that just because He did it for these guys, doesn't mean He would do something like that for me. But more and more, I am believing in Him and in the power of believing in Him; that He can do all things and that if we follow Him, no matter what He asks, He will do anything. I would love a vision from the Lord about His path for me and the crazy youthful faith to believe, not only that He can, but that He will accomplish it.

The New Tyler Man

A large part of my job as Supervisor at Morningside Middle is what some would call, "bringing down the hammer." I am the disciplinarian, the principal if you will, the one who determines a kid's fate after he or she has disobeyed a rule. You would think this would make me the most hated person in the after school program-it doesn't. For some reason they love the person in my position. The last week of our program before Christmas break I suspended 5 kids in one day. One for something he did and 4 others for getting in two seperate fights in the same classroom. They all came in the last 5 minutes of our program and by then I was done, so I just gave them all the pink slip until the New year.
One kid is named Tyler. He is a 6th grader who had found a lot of trouble recently and whose brother, an 8th grader in our program, seems to be a model student. Tyler was mad that he was in trouble, though not at himself for his bad decision, at me for punishing him for it (this is a regular mindset with our students, no remorse or personal responsibility or fear of getting in trouble, just anger at the powers that be). Anyway, he told me he wasn't coming back even when he could. The next day I received this letter from him via another student. It is his exact words and puncuation:

AJ
My Mom is come to talk to you about me. Ms. AJ you was right I should follow and my brothers feetsteps but not all the time he be doing some things. Ms AJ you are a good woman And have thought about what you said I going to change not to the old tyler but the new tyler. And I did mean what I said to I just stay home being at 21st Century (our program) is a honer for me when I come back I going to show you a new me. I going to miss you a lot but when I come back its a new tyler men.

He also drew me a picture of Tinkerbell. This letter is a milestone in the life of my kids. It is funny in so many ways, the language, the wording, but it is the most sincere thinking I have ever gotten from a student. It showed me he really thought through what happened. I was so proud. It was one of those moments that reminded me why I love my job so much. If one kid can change his mindset, can learn how to succeed in the real world then his life can be different forever and that is what we care about.

25 Things about me

I do not generally get involved in these sorts of things, not because I have any negative feeling toward them, but mostly because I do not take the time. They somewhat remind me of those chain emails everyone was obsessed with in high school where you answered all of these questions about yourself and then passed it on to another 10 friends, if you had another 10 friends. This has been circulating on Facebook and since I find that I am not very good at self-reflection, or rather that I rarely "think" about reflecting on myself (I am much more of a "do" or task-oriented person) I think it might be a worthy endeavor. Most people could immediately name 25 things about them, I will have to really think. So, here it goes...

1. I grew up on a farm in South Carolina and worked one summer with my Dad. I was a wheat hauler, tractor waxer, and I drove a 1950's stick shift dump truck with 4 gears.
2. I was such a horrible little kid that my mom would cry imagining me as a teenager. One time I spit a giant wad of purple Bubble Yum on our baby sitter; she quit shortly there after.
3. My senior year of college I lived with 6 other girls in a house we called "The Brothel" (because there was a law in Clemson that more than 4 single females could not share a house together-The Brothel law"). Our landlord's name was Mohammed and he was friends with George Bush...supposedly.
4. I have a thing called "Osgood-Slaters disease" Supposedly it only happens to about .5 percent of people and of those it doesn't go away in about .5 percent of people.....Lucky me. Most people just call it my third knee.
5. I graduated high school with only 45 people in my class.
6. I didn't like coffee or get my ears pierced until my last year of college. I had had my cartilage pierced since 9th grade.
7. I decided to forgo my college graduation ceremony to take a trip to Mississippi with a bunch of people to help out Katrina victims.....it was an amazing trip. I will never forget the things I saw there.
8. I am the first member of my family to have my Masters degree.
9. After college I went to Europe with 3 guys for the month of January. We traveled to nine different countries and it was the coldest I have ever been in my life, but also the most exciting thing I have ever done.
10. I have caught and released two mice from sticky traps in my office with my bare hands....Don't judge me.
11. I performed Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus with 6 of my friends in the 4th grade in a school talent show. I played a toy electric guitar. We thought we were pretty great.
12. I have an unhealthy obsession with ice cream.
13. I have lived in Texas for 2 1/2 years.
14. I have tried really hard to like museums, but I just don't think I do.
15. My sophmore year of college I had an accident on a mountain bike and I broke my face....my cheekbone really. The front of the bike collapsed, popping the tire off when I hit a jump. It was my first and only ride in an ambulance, but my memory of it is very spotty.
16. I have run a Mother's Day 5K in Central Park. I finished 3 minutes before the leader of the Half Marathon finished 7 miles.....both races started at the same time...Ha.
17. I tried out for a walk on position with the Clemson University Basketball team and my great college friend would wake up with me at 5:00 am to go work out....we would play full-court 21. It was awesome.
18. I have always wanted a Jeep Wrangler, but I have a Jeep Cherokee and that will have to do.
19. I play guitar and the djembe, but I haven't played either in a while.
20. In high school I took a line shot to my eye with a softball and had to have laser eye surgery...."Soft" ball my butt.
21. I have a scar on my neck from where the doctors pulled me out with forceps when I was born. It probably hurt, but I don't remember.
22. My most prized possession is a shoe box filled with things that belonged to my dad and a letter he sent me the December I graduated from college, 6 months before he died. It was about life and what you choose to do with it.
23. I love to read and I am a really motivated student.
24. I have always LOVED dogs and I just got a puppy named Cali. She was abandoned with her litter mates in someone's driveway. She is fantastic.
25. I have worked with an after school program in an inner-city middle school in Fort Worth for 3 years and now I am the supervisor. I have a heart for inner-city kids.

Nanny

There is one remaining family member on my Dad's side of the family-my Grandmother. She has outlived her husband and both of her sons and though she has been in and out of the hospital in many situations where the doctors were saying, "Call in the family," she has always come out on the other side. On Monday morning I was getting ready for work and I had these thoughts about Nanny, our name for her, out of nowhere. I often think about her, but not like this. I thought....any day my Mom could call me and tell me Nanny has passed. It could be one day it could be 5 years or even 10 years. She is old, alone in a nursing home with very little quality of life-her time could come any day and what would I do? I would have to fly home, find a last minute plane ticket and fly back to my hometown to be there for the funeral of this last powerful link to my Dad's life. Though so many things remind me of him, she is a strong reminder of him, particularily his death. It is hard, if not nearly impossible, to think of her and not think of his passing. So, I am thinking this that morning and then I call my mom after work that night and she tells me that Nanny has had a stroke. She is alive, but immobile on her left side. She can't talk, she can't swallow and her gaze is fixed into the distance. At this point, nobody knows what will happen-will she get better, will she get worse, will she live on like this for another 10 years? I was never very close to this grandmother, eventhough she lived in my hometown, she never really took an interest in getting to know, or pouring into the lives of her grandchildren. I really struggled, especially in my teen and college years, making the effort to be a good granddaughter, and I carry my own shame around for that. But the death of my Dad did something in me towards her. My heart began to ache for this woman for many different reasons. For one, I cannot imagine what it must be like to live like she lives, having lost everyone she cares about, yet living on with so little quality of life. If that were me would I be able to begin the day by claiming, "This is the day the Lord has made!" Would I be able to speak through a voice of peace, "God and all his deeds are good."

So many times I wonder what God is up to. We want to believe that there is an order to things, or at least one that makes sense in our minds. We feel better thinking that all things are black and white, that everything has a formula and that if we can just figure it out and follow it then everything will go well for us. The problem with that is the Bible. We have very few promises in this life about how things will go, in fact, the Bible promises us that if we follow Jesus things will be difficult for us. The one promise we do have, a promise in which there is no gray area, is that the Lord will never leave you or forsake you. His plans do have an order, but not an order as we would understand it. What he asks of us is faith-faith that says, "Thy will be done. Thy Kingdom come."

Morningside

Post graduation is an interesting time in life. I am done with school yet I am in this sort of holding tank here in Fort Worth until I move onto the "next thing." I have spent a lot of time thinking back over my experience here; what has it taught me, how have I changed, was it worth it, was this what the Lord wanted? This 3 years here was definitely not the easiest time in my life. But if there is one thing that I know for sure, no matter how many times I go over it in my head, is that the Lord gave me the job I have now. I was not looking for a job like mine, in fact, I didn't even know it existed. I just knew I needed a job when I moved here. And one of my first nights there, through a series of weird connections, this guy I only met briefly, knocks on my door and says, "Hey, do you want a job?" I had no idea what I was doing or what it was about and when I look back on that I don't really even remember thinking about it or how I decided I would do it, I just know that I did and it has changed my life. This is my third year working at Morningside Middle School, an inner-city school in one of the roughest areas of town. This job has opened my eyes to the greatest single need in our country today. So many Christians and churches spend so much money going overseas or doing a service project one Saturday a year and calling that missions, and it is missions. But here is a mission field desperate for workers, for hope, for healing and they are right there on our doorstep and we basically all but ignore them. This job has really shown me that if churches want to reach their city, reach the schools. There is no place in any city with greater needs and a greater amount of people spanning different ages, races, geographical areas and socioeconomic status'.
I am feeling more and more, God's calling on my life to work in this type of environment. It is one of those things that has been right under my nose, but I have been ignoring it. I have been blind to it maybe. Sure, it would be fun to work with students in a church, going on mission trips, and lock-outs, etc, but is that what the Lord wants of me? I have loved the job that I have now. I love my kids and my heart aches for their stories and difficulties and I just do not think it would be possible to know there is a need out there so great and ignore it.
I do not know exactly what the Lord wants, because I do not exactly feel called to be a inner city school teacher, but the Lord is brewing something in my heart and I trust that he will open a door for me and show me what He wants. It is in this place, this middle school that I have seen what a difference it can make in the life of one kid, who would have no resources otherwise, have someone come along beside them and believe in them enough to pour into their lives.

Here are some pictures of some of my kids in Drama class. They had props and costumes that they could put on to act out their parts....HILLarious!

Raising a puppy

The life of puppy ownership is teaching me more than I ever imagined it would. It is one of those things that is exhausting and difficult, but in a good way. Tons of people want dogs and most of the idea is romanticized into this thing that will be all sunshine and rainbows and the "work" part is not figured into the equation. The reality of dog ownership is that while puppies are wonderful and they bring us so much joy, they are very much "work." My post-graduation experience has mostly been marked by time, energy and money spent towards raising a puppy. Several things happen when you get a dog, and some of these things would be the same if you got a husband or had children.
First, you realize that you and your wishes are no longer the only factor in play. There is someone else figured into the mix of your everyday life, someone that requires a lot of time and priority. You cannot simply do whatever you want, when you want. You must now figure in this other person or pet. You can't just go away for a weekend, or leave for the whole day (unless the pet is a cat of course....SO much easier than a dog!)
Second, the priority of figuring this other thing into your life requires you to check your selfishness at the door. This is a great thing, but a difficult one. Whether we want to admit it or not, most people are the center of their own universe and life is about them, their wants and needs. Spiritually, this is a great excercise for us. What do we learn in seclusion about ourselves or about others?....very little. I am convinced that having this puppy will make me a much better and more patient mother one day.
Third, the exhaustion of daily laying aside selfishness and dealing with a puppy or a husband or a child, can quickly reveal the underlying ugliness in oneself. Any stored up anger, impatience, selfishness....it all comes rising out. If a puppy, in a moment, can make me want to spit nails what would I be like as a mother? This is definitely helping me practice disciplining not of anger and frustration, and this is not very easy. When that puppy sinks her teeth into the back of calve or pees on the floor, or chews up some furniture, I have to calm the reaction that creeps up inside and discipline of stern leadership and not anger.
At the end of the day, after all the walks and meals and bathroom trips outside, the accidents and the successes, I have this little creature at my side that I am growing more and more fond of and more and more because of. It is a fun adventure and here are some more photos to prove it.

Cali and Henry after their baths

The pups kissing in the cart at Petco while they wait to get their shots

In their favorite chair in the backyard fighting over a toy they took outside

Cali taking over my desk at work. Taking her to work is not a good way to get things done.

Puppies so tired