Refining

It has been a very long time since I have written anything on here. i have no real reason for the hiatus. Maybe I have had nothing to say or no time to say it or maybe there has been too much to write about and not enough words to express it. I think the latter may actually be the case, but regardless I am writing, though even now I am not really sure what to say. Seminary is hard and at times it does live up to its alias "Cemetary." At times it feels like death or at least not like life, I miss feeling full of life, satisfied, joy-filled, glad to be where I am, fulfilling a purpose, supported and loved. The lack of this in my life is not the fault of Seminary. Seminary has simply amplified what has been a tough two year go. I am beginning to see the toll this last two years has taken on my heart. It is heavy, hardened, not expectant and not full of life. I guess life just feels this way sometime. I think more than anything most aspects of my current life feel unstable. I wish that I could say that these things have driven me to a deeper walk with Jesus and maybe in ways unseen it has, but I have found it difficult to stir up my affections for Christ. Though I believe His ways are true, I have felt little comfort in that. More than anything I feel like God has used these last two years to "kill" things in me. I feel like He is purging me, squeezing out ugliness in me, pressing on wounded places and I know that those things are good. I will be glad in the long run that He has done that, but mostly I wish I could feel His arms around me telling me its going to be okay, rather than His refining fire. Maybe for God they are one in the same. My best friend can put her arms around me and I can feel comforted, but for God comfort and love may look more different than anything humanity can offer to each other.