Lessons

Life is funny. It seems at times its all about lessons, learning life lessons. It goes with the old adage, "You live and you learn." It seems unfair that most of the time the learning is found in retrospect rather than in the preface or the process. By the time the lessons are learned, the moment has passed. At the end of it all we will have learned millions of lessons, mostly from the things we did wrong, with little time left to apply what we've learned. It seems harsh at times. Most people would say its the experience that matters, that experience is the best teacher. And though I know in my heart this is true it doesn't make the most difficult of "experiences" any easier.

Life

Life is hard. Life is hard and I am exhausted!

Leadership

THis is the hardest job I have ever done! At the end of a week I am spent in every way possible. I have nothing left to give! I have realized just how tough it is to be a leader. Leadership is a reflection of who you are as a person. You are judged as a person based on how well you do your job as a leader. There is a lot of pressure wrapped up in that. It is a lonely job at times. I realized how great it is to simply be loved because of who you are. My roommate reminded me of this this weekend. It is so nice to be loved unconditionally simply for who you are and not because of what you do. This has not been a bad experience at all, just a difficult one. I am learning a lot. I miss Fort Worth and I miss my roommate!

my great friend!!!!!!!

I miss my best friend. I have had a lot of friendship in my life, but I do not think I have ever been as grateful for one as I am for this one. I am blessed beyond belief to know her, to get to live with her and to call her friend. I learn a lot about life and God from our relationship. She is coming to Nashville in 2 days and I am THRILLED!!!!!!!!!!!!! Life is so much better with friendships!!!!

I miss my Dad

I sat down at dinner tonight with this man and there was something sarile and familiar about him. I began to talk to him and his wife and soon realized what it was. They were a middle-aged couple maybe in their 50's. It hit me halfway through my dinner that this man reminded me of my Dad. They had so many similarities both in manerism and physcial appearance. He was a bigger guy with tan leathered-like skin. He had freckles and the same hair color as my Dad. He had a bald spot on the top of his head. The more I talked to this man the more it made me feel at home. In that moment I missed my Dad terribly. For the first time in a while I really MISSED him. I would give anything to be able to sit in front of my Dad and just talk to him. It is not a miss like, I haven't seen him in awhile and I would like to see him...it is a deep seeded, permanent miss. I saw that man later at worship and I could barely keep my tears down. he was sitting with his students in worship. It was a very sad moment for me.

Wiped out

I am not sure I have ever been so tired in my life. This job is the most mentally, emotionally taxing job I have ever done. I am glad I am here most of the time, but some days I wonder why God decided this would be a good idea. At the end of the day (which is always way later than it should be) I really have NOTHING left and maybe that is the way it is supposed to be. I don't know.

One Year

Anniversaries are always weird no matter what they are. It always seems that time flies and yet in some respects goes by so slowly. I can look back over a period of time and see how it went so quickly and yet at the same time feel that the start of it was years ago. Ya know? Time is just a weird deal. It is nearly impossible for me to believe that a year ago today my Dad's life ended. It is even weirder to know that I was in this exact same place when it happened, Nashville Tennessee, Belmont M-fuge. It feels like yesterday. It feels like a moment ago. In some ways it feels like right now. And yet SO MUCH has changed since then. That moment was a Catalyst for so many changes both good and bad. Life looked drastically different a year ago. Family looked drasitically different a year ago. I looked drastically different a year ago.

Time doesn't stop moving. It doesn't wait for you to be okay with the change it brings it just rolls over you as if you weren't even there. I know that God is doing things in me, but I still feel so many times as if I am carrying so many of my own burdens. I wish I was a person who could say, "Blessed be His name no matter what." This is just hard for me. I know that God is good and He is working all things for my good and His glory.

Back to Nashville

Back in Nashville friends for one more go around. I never would have imagined I would be here, Directing the thing I did as a student. I remember going to Centrifuge and idolizing the staffers, seeing their energy and thinking about how cool they were. I wanted to be them one day. Well, I have been them for several years now and now I am the person who is in charge of them. What a crazy and amazing ride. Fuge is just that thing for me that I stepped into and I just knew it was my place. I was made to do this and it has been an integral part of my spiritual growth for the last 5 years. I am now in one of those places where I just realize that it is impossible for me to do this job. I cannot do this job. I cannot Direct M-fuge Nashville. It is much bigger than me. 29 people between the ages of 20-30; 500-600 students and adults a week.
I am humbled and honored to have this opportunity. I dearly miss parts of my life in Fort Worth, namely my roommate. But I know that God has brought me here and I know that He has many things to teach me from this experience. So far it is going well. I am surrounded by an amazing team of servants and lovers of Jesus. We have one more week and then the kiddies come. Pray for me, for strength, for the leading of the Spirit, for my family. It is hard to believe that almost a year ago now my dad died. May 31st may be a very hard day. But God is good.

Gratitude

Its my last night at Southwestern for awhile and the one word that keeps coming to mind is...GRATITUDE! I can't get over how grateful I am for life, no matter how hard it is at times. I am utterly grateful for everything that I have been given because I came into this world with nothing. I have never deserved anything. And yet I feel like I have everything. I am perfectly loved by my family, by my roommate, by my Jesus!
Thank you Lord!

Heaven

I had my first massage today. It was quite possibly the most amazing experience ever. My roommate had talked a lot about how great they were and how she wanted another one and I had never been before, so I decided I would suprise her and we would go. It was money well spent. We did the hour long sweedish (just guessing the sweeds were an intrical part of its development) massage. I will admit it was akward and slightly uncomfortable at first. You know this random stranger rubbing on your unclothed back, but I got over that in the first 30 seconds of those 60 minutes. I then began to drool. I would reccommend this experience to anyone and everyone.

Urgency

It is only by the grace of God that I am what I am. All that I am not is afforded to His grace as well. This place, this year, this life, these experiences, God is using to show me just how close I am to self-destruction if not for His grace.
"For if every transgression and disobedience received its just punishment how wil we escape if we neglect such a great salvation?" Heb. 2:2-3.
I read this today and thought....what if only one of my transgressions received its just punishment?....I would be destroyed. If that is not a humbling thought I do not know what is. If that does not make a person urgent to take hold of their salvation I do not know what will.

Thoughts

At the Village Church last night Ben Stewart was preaching and if you can you should download the podcasts of him speaking the last 3 Sundays because it was AWESOME. It was about Jesus. It seems like that would be the obvious topic of discussion, but it isn't always. This was all about Jesus and it rocked! Last night he read from Colossians 3 and when it got the part about, "set your mind on things above" He said that spirituality begins in the mind. "What we think about we'll care about and what we care about, we'll chase." This is so very true. I know in my life it is.

The Church

Recently I was having a conversation with the college pastor I work for. He has a very northern, out-of-the-box mindset when it comes to church and Jesus, something I find refreshing at times. I was expressing my love for The Village Church and how it is a place I want to look into going. They have a rapid growing congregation and an excellent pastor, Matt Chandler. He, Vince, expressed some hesitation in my desire to go there. When I pressed him as to why he said, "I just think we really need to rethink church. He began to talk to me about the New Testament church, and the period of time between 100-200 AD and how it was the fastest growing time period for the church in all of history. They had no full bibles, no buildings, no lead pastors, no worship leaders, no programs and no heirarchy and when the church began to become insitutionalized, buildings were built (first around 250 AD) that rapdi growth was quenched. He asked, how much of the Village is unintentionally centered around Matt's ability to speak? How many of those members of the rapid growth are just people transfering from other local churches? What would happen if he were to leave? I was defensive at first and then he pointed me to this article and and a book he had read. I have not been able to stop thinking about this idea of church, what did Jesus establish it to be, what did that look like in the early church and how have we gotten it so far off track. I decided to do my systematic paper on the topic and I have been amazed at what I found. Here are some links and books if you are interested this is something very worth our time to research!
Leadership (Winter 2007)- We aren't about Weekends-http://www.ctlibrary.com/41509 (this is about a church 20 minutes from Forth Worth, I hope to visit it soon.
The Forgotten Ways- Alan Hirsch
From the Ground Up- Scott Horrell
The Problem with Wineskins of Today- Howard Snyder

We were talking in one of my classes today about affairs in marriage in how there is a myth that says affairs won't happen to growing Christians...This is what my professor said:
"Satan seeks to attack the credibility of the truth of the gospel."

Not a one of us are above any sin. We can at any time, if we let our guard down, be dragged away and enticed. I am beginning to fully grasp the Scriptures that say things like, "take hold of eternal life" "contend for the faith" "run with perseverance" "stand in it" "cling to what is good"

Kindness

"Therefore, anyone of you who judges is without excuse. For when you judge another, you condemn yourself, since you, the judge, do the same things. 2 We know that God's judgment on those who do such things is based on the truth. 3 Do you really think—anyone of you who judges those who do such things yet do the same—that you will escape God's judgment? 4 Or do you despise the riches of His kindness, restraint, and patience, not recognizing that God's kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?" Romans 2:1-4

When I judge others I condemn myself because the the very thing I condemn in them I am unable to keep myself. It is not our judgment that leads people to Jesus, but our kindness. It was the kindess and mercy of Jesus that led me to his feet. It is His kindness and mercy that continue to draw me back. Why do we judge? We do we not see that we are the very thing that we hate, the very thing that Jesus spoke so vehemently against? We miss it somehow don't we? We miss what its all about.

Prophecy

I had an interesting experience yesterday. I have never spent much time thinking about whether or not I believe in the gift of prophecy at this point in time. I hadn't encountered it in real life, until yesterday that is. I took some college students to a place called Beautiful Feet. It is an amazing ministry for Homeless people in Fort Worth and they actually have a church. we went to the service to basically hang out with people. It was by the way an amazing church! I sat behind an interesting lady, who was filled with passion and danced during the worship. After the service she turned to me and began telling me all these bizarre things...things about myself. She talked about my gifts, things she saw in me, things I had been praying for. She spoke about how hard I am on myself. I must have looked like someone shot me, because I know my mouth and eyes were wide open in shock. I am not sure how I feel about that experience other than the fact I had never experienced something like that before. I am still in some form of shock!

hostile gospel

I am interested in your thoughts on this so please post comments...
"After we had previosly suffered and been outrageoiusly treated in Phillippi, as ou know, we were emobldened by our God to speak the gospel of God in spite of great opposition." ! Thess. 2:2

Within the gospel of God there seems to be an element that, almost naturally, stirs up opposition and disdain in the soul of man. Why? Man angrily rejects the truth that a free gift has been granted him if only he would take it. What is it in us that makes us that way? Is it pride? Think deeper. What is it that rises up in man when the gospel is given as the truth?

If a man began on a road trip with abosolutely no destination and at some point during his trip he realized he must have a goal. He must at some point decide where he wants to go. Would he then become hostile when the desitnation was revealed to him? Would he reject the one who gave him directions? Is this the sel-made man, or the "nuclear man" as Nouwen called it? The man who makes his own life, his own destiny, even if in doing so he is conforming to one or the other already chosen for him?

Biggest Loser Update...

I'm down 7 lbs baby. Maybe its water, maybe its fat, maybe I'm a weight loss machine!!!! Either way the scale says i'm lighter and on my way to being $90 richer! Only problem is there is a month and a half left...YIKES!

A light dawns
And the darkness cannot consume
For the seeds of righteousness
Begin to bloom
In my heart
and in my soul
Speaking in me the truth
That God is in control.

To Him be the glory in my life as well as in my death!

The Biggest Loser

For some reason I agreed to do the Biggest Loser competition with two of my coworkers. Yesterday was our first day, so we weighed in (not a pretty thing). The competition ends on May 18th, our last day of work. I figure either way, whether I win the $90.00 pot or not, I am a winner. I have a good shot. I am facing two big guys. Right now this doesn't seem like so much fun, lots of excerise, little eating, I'll keep you posted on how its going.