So this is what the summer is like...

So...since I was a high school graduate I have spent every summer in the "camp world." I was a rising high school senior the last time I had a summer to just work a normal job in the place that I lived. A lot of thing factored into my decision to forgo another summer of camp life. This was a hard decision in that it has been a way of life for me...it has been something that has shaped and molded me in a way that nothing else has, and part of me will always miss it and never want to stop. However, I was ready for a summer to stay where I live, to be all there, to relax a little, not be so stressed and hang out with my roommate and other friends. It has been a wonderful decision, one that I have not regretted at all. I have read and relaxed and worked and played. I have watched a Season of 24, gone to the beach in Houston, seen a dear friend get married (I have missed nearly every friends wedding due to camp life), slept in, gone to a concert in the Fort Worth Botanical Gardens and there is much more fun to come.
Here's to my first summer free.

random updates

It may seem that I have given up on the blogging world. I have found myself on somewhat of a furlow, writing every now and then, so we have a lot to catch up on. The past couple of months have been quite eventful. First things first. Melanie and I decided to move. We researched, found a place, paid some money, signed some papers, changed over all of our utilities and mail, packed up our ENTIRE apartment, picked up our keys and the night before our move-in-date decided we didn't want to move. We saw the apartment and it was nothing like the model (word to the wise: push to see the actual apartment, even if they push back and do not sign until you do, shockingly they look and smell nothing like the model). We got kind of sentimental after we discovered that our new apartment smelled like a smoky hotel and their were beer caps on our porch. You think after months of "getting the apartment read" they would have found a moment to pick up the beer caps and throw them away. So after a couple of tears, a lot of phone calls, some lost money and a lot of cleaning and unpacking we are still on Sandage Ave and we couldn't be happier.

I finished my 4th (2nd to last) semester in seminary. It wasn't a bad one. There is an edge of excitement as I move closer to finishing, but there may be in a me a greater edge of nervousness and sadness. I am nervous that the end of this experience will be a lot harder and sadder than I originally thought. Regardless of how wonderful or not wonderful this experience has been, it has still been just that, an experience...it has become my life for the last 2 years and familiarity is almost always difficult to give up.

May 31st marked the 2 year anniversary of my Dad's death. It also marks the anniversary of the beginning of the 2 hardest years of my life. So much has happened. I miss him. I would give anything to have him back.

I watched Oprah's follow-up show on puppy mills and I am inspired, now more than ever before, to rescue dogs....lots of dogs. I think that dogs are one of God's greatest creations.

This is all for now...more to follow very soon.

Roommate appreciation day...

Seminary has not always been a very easy place to be. It has been challenging and lonely, dark and frustrating. There have been good moments and joyous moments, lessons learned the easy and hard way. Friendships have come and gone, but one thing, other than the constant love of God, has been a consistent saving grace-My roommate. I could write pages about the undeserved blessing that friendship has been to me. God has used her to teach me so much about himself, myself and about life. I am not sure what this experience would have been like without that friendship. It is so true that community and deep relationships are so important. God uses them to refine us and to show his love to us. One day last week we were in the grocery store and I was asking my roommate if she had ever had strawberry shortcake using those round little cake bowls that come in packs. She said yes. I was telling her that my family use to eat those when I was a kid and how much I loved them. A couple of days later she surprised me with them for dessert. That really meant a lot to me that someone thought enough and cared enough to not only hear what I said, but to remember it and to act on it. Deep friendship are such a blessing and I find myself more thankful for my roommate everyday.

You do not have to live long to realize that life can be incredibly difficult sometimes. This, in itself, should be enough to let people know that things are not how they should be. Some of these things that are difficult are simply out of our control; they are the repercussions of the fallen world. Everyone knows what these are like; death, destruction, sickness, poverty, pain. Other difficulties, though they are ultimately a repercussion of the fall, are brought about by our own stupid choices. These are the most frustrating. If things were not hard enough sometimes we make choices that add to our difficulties. This frustrates me about myself. And it is not like I am ignorant. I cannot claim I didn't know better. I have the Word of life in black and white in my hands. I know the good I ought to do and yet I still choose the other. And then, this is the comical part, I seem surprised when the consequence comes. I should not be surprised. I knew better.
I use to be a person of deep faith. I am not sure where I lost it. My desire, my will, my heart feel tired and unaffected by the things of God. I wish I could blame my circumstances, Its just where I am...Its a tough environment, but this is a cop out. Do i think circumstances effect you, of course, but can they be fingered for the blame? No. All things, good and bad, if our focus is in the right place from the outset, will point us to the cross. It is not the circumstances.
I have never been a person who disliked where I was. I have always gone and done, traveled and worked in different places and I have never disliked any experience; that is until now. In a little over a week this semester will be ending and I have a lot of friends who are graduating and if I was honest I wish I were one of them. I have one semester left, 4 classes, 7 months. I do not want to be chomping at the bit to move on. I want to make the most of where I am, to be all here, to experience what the Lord has for me in these next 7 months with joy and faith. I think I have slowly become someone I do not recognize and because of that I have been trying to "get back" to who I was, but I realize this is not what God wants. We can't go back. Every experience we have changes us. God wants us to move forward. There is somebody he wants us to be. There is somebody he wants me to be.

The Core

I started this core plan diet through weight watchers with my roommate this week. You can eat as much as you want, but you can only eat things on this core foods list. As you could probably guess, core foods are very natural, non processed items.....items we eat sometimes, but not most times. You can eat fruit, vegetables, most lean meats, fat free dairy, and a whole list of things I have never heard of much less eaten. We went grocery shopping and it was not easy. The hardest part for me was the cereal isle. You turn the corner on the cereal isle and before you is a mile long sea of choices that could leave your head swimming if you were incredibly indecisive. I love cereal; i get this from my mom. We could eat cereal every meal of the day. But of this mile long sea of cereal, do you know how many choices you have on the core plan? 2....I found two. If it wasn't bad enough that you can only have one bowl of cereal a day...there are really only 2 choices. Shredded Mini-wheats with no frosting and no sugar and Kashi puffed 7 grain wheat. Now I was optimistic that with a banana and a positive attitude these choice cereals might not be that bad.....I was wrong. The mini wheats tasted a little less like hay only after adding Splenda. The Kashi....well lets just say there may not be enough Splenda in the world to make that taste good.
Lets just face it, you can't beat Frosted Flakes, Honey Bunches of Oats, Lucky Charms, Special K fruit and yogurt, Cocoa Krispies and any other childhood favorite. So, enjoy your cereal this morning and be thankful.

I am not an Oprah follower, as I know many are. She is famed and revered by so many people and now her new reality show The Big Give has gained her an even larger viewing, if that was even possible. I have watched the show twice and I have found it really cool to watch these people giving to total strangers. Something happens in the human heart when we do what the Scriptures have told us to do, even if we are unaware that they have said so. Last night on the show each contestant was given $100,000 in Miami, Florida. They had 24 hours to give it all away and they couldn't give away any cash, they couldn't give any one person more than $500 and they could not spend more than $10,000 in one place. Only one of them was able to spend all of the money in that amount of time. Some of them had some really creative ideas. The roadblock for many of them was not knowing the area and where to go in that small amount of time. So my roommate and I started talking...if that challenge was given to us, but we were allowed to do it here in Fort Worth, what would we do? Where would we go? How would we give what we had been given? I can't stop thinking about ideas. What would I do if I had those parameters and that much money to give? Here are some thoughts...
1. I would find an apartment building in a very low income area and pay the next months rent for all units up to my limit
2. I would go the Beautiful Feet Ministries and figure out their needs and help them out. Purchase coats from Burlington Coat Factory to take
3. I would find a day care center in a low income area and pay peoples child care for the next 2 months.
4. I would go to Petco and purchase dog and cat supplies and deliver them to the Humane Society of North Texas here in Fort Worth as well as paying for all the heart worm treatments needed for all dogs currently there.
5. I would try to find a nice restaurant that would allow me to bring in people from a homeless shelter or woman's center to eat a nice meal.
6. I would find a local college or university (maybe lower income) and give the school $10,000 dollars to offer 20 $500 dollar scholarships to students in desperate need.
7. A random shopping spree in a grocery store or a target.
8. One girl on the show bought all the flowers from a local seller and gave them out on the street...it was really neat.
9. One lady paid for people's gas at a gas station

These are just a few things I thought of and saw on the show. If you have any ideas let me know. What would you do? How would you give?

My Mom came to visit!!!

My Mom , My roommate and Me!This is my Mom!

We went to Sprinkles in Dallas and ate yummy cupcakes!

This is at the Sixth floor museum in Dallas, where JFK was shot.

This man is the oldest employee in Britain at 101 years of age! He is training to be the oldest ever marathon runner. CRAZY! He completed a half marathon recently in a little over 5 hours. I am ashamed of my self and my out-of-shape status when I view something like this.
So this should be motivation for us all...not only should this make us get out and work out, it should let us know that anybody....anybody can run a marathon, with a little determination!

Son of David

Come closer, closer to me.
Find me broken, find me bleedin'
cause I need more now than a fairy tale,
a god who lives in a book.
I need someone real.

So would you come?
Would you come?
If i begged you, would you come closer to me now?

Come closer, closer to me.
Find me broken, find me on my knees,
cause I need more now than philosophy.
Some god in outer space doesn't mean anything to me.

So would you come?
Would you come?
If I begged you, would you come closer to me now?
Would you come?
Would you come?
If i begged you, would you come closer to me now?

Son of David, do not pass me by,
cause I am naked,
I'm poor and I'm blind.
Son of david, don't pass me by,
cause I am naked,
I'm poor and I'm blind.
by: John Mark McMillan

This is an amazing song.

Family

A lot of really difficult things have happened in my life in the last two years. I would say it has been the hardest time in my life to date. Most of those things have happened within the confines of my family. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand it all, trying to get my head around everything, trying to sort out feelings and deal with pain and loss and the what to do in the aftermath question. Though all of the tragedy had ended some relationships and drastically changed others, some relationships have begun to breathe for the first time in a long time. We have a small extended family and we have never been close to any of them really. In the picture above is my uncle, aunt and cousins. My mom's brother's family and they have lived 45 minutes away from me my whole life. We saw them on holidays and special occasions, but rarely any other time. I think family things were just always stressful and nobody really wanted to be around our family very much. In the last two years my family has spent more time with them than in the 20 years prior. It has been a blessing. It has been one really positive thing that has come out of a slue of really hard things. Above is a picture at my cousin Becca's pageant. She is a senior and she got second runner-up. She was really excited. I don't know why I am writing this....I guess because I realize more and more that the Lord is always doing something and though some things are really hard, they do not come without the reminder that God is faithful.

For many of us, we hear the words of the Lord and fail to put them into action. We read and hear and pray and yet we do not know what it looks like to live these things out and make them our lives. Sometimes, we never even consider working the truths and commands of Jesus out in our everyday life; we just read to read. At times I have read the words of Jesus and wrestled with what they look like lived out in everyday life. What would it look like to love my neighbor as Christ has loved me? What would it look like to love my enemies? What would it look like to keep treasure in heaven and an open hand when it comes to all my earthly possesions?
Well I saw, with my own eyes the Scriptures jump off the page and into someone's actions recently. I was on my way home from work last week on a very cold day. There is always at least one homeless man standing in the median by the interstate. As I waited at the light I saw him from a distance and I watched as a man got out of his car in a nearby parking lot. He crossed the street and all of the traffic, walked up to the man and gave him his own sweatshirt. The homeless man quickly ran off to put on the coat.
The words of Jesus, "For I was naked, and you clothed Me. Truly I say to you, as you did this for one of the least of my brothers you did for Me." Matthew 25.36,40
What would Christian's look like to the world if we actually lived out the words of Jesus in our everyday life? Isn't that what Christian's are?...Christ followers, little Christs? Isn't this the point anyway?

Crunch=Cash

Who knew that a small little mistake like backing into a car in a parking lot, and a small dent in the back of a car would be a 2,400 dollar mistake......YIKES!!!!!!! I will now begin maneuvering around in parking lots at the pace of a 90 year old handicapped woman (or man for that matter).

Crunch

Yesterday I had an idiotic tragedy. I was pulling out of the parking lot on campus after my 8 am class when I ran into the back of another car. I heard the crunch and I thought, "Please Lord! let that not be a car or a person!" It was a car. No damage would have been done if it were not for my trailer hitch. There was quite a nice dent in the back of that man's newer looking accord. Lots of people saw it and most of them were staring at me as if they wanted to see what I would do and for a moment I thought, most people (or at least some people) would get in their car and drive away, leaving the people to front the bill. As I was writing the person a note with my info, the owner walked up. I was worried, but he was so nice. He asked where I was from and said, its just a car. I was so grateful for his kindness.
Now I am not saying I am the exception to this idea that people flee from owning up. I had that moment of fight or flight too. Why is it that we avoid owning up to our mistakes? We do not want to take responsibility for our stupidity, unintentional harm or planned rebellion. We are okay with getting what we want and having someone front the bill for it. We do not take responsibility for our actions (unless of course they had a positive result and those we readily take credit for) I have a student at my work who I catch doing things all the time and she has never once owned up to anything. She looks me in the face every time and lies about it. Now I am not one to spiritualize everything, but how true is that in our spiritual lives? We took what we wanted, we forsook all God gave us and Christ paid the bill in our place. Even after we believe in Christ and what he did for us, we still go after the things that we want under the banner of grace, "Christ has already paid for it."
If we so readily turn and run from the consequences of our mistakes, knowing someone else will have to take the deficit, when will we ever be able to follow the example of Christ and sacrificially "take someone else's place?" When will be willing to help someone else our of their mistakes? May we be people of integrity, clean inside and out, who readily admit our mistakes and own up to our mess.

Tim and John

I had the most amazing evangelistic conversation on Friday. My roommate and I were at a conference in Austin, TX and we had a three hour break so we went to the mall to walk around. We walked for about 10 minutes and then decided to leave. On our way out these two guys working at a T-mobile Kiosk called us over to ask us what our bracelets were for. We told them we were at a Christian woman's conference. That began a 30-40 minute conversation about Christianity and the gospel. Both guys claimed agnosticism, but spoke like antagonistic atheists. It was obvious that Tim was very angry towards Christianity. He was highly condescending, mean and mocking. He would laugh at the things we said and make fun of them. The other one, John would laugh at Tim's comments, but he softened during the conversation and was much more interested in asking us questions and really hearing the answers. Tim said, "I have never seen anything in this world to make me believe there is a God." John told us about growing up in Indonesia and seeing all the destruction and oppression that religion brought upon people. I did not seem to matter what we said they had an "argument" for everything, but in all of their arguing they said nothing that was really against Christianity. They both agreed that religion was a crutch for people who couldn't take responsibility for their lives. Tim quoted philosophy telling us that all we could know for sure was that we were thinking beings and how were we supposed to know if anything was real, we could just be in a matrix. They both said that they had control over their lives and that made their own decisions and that if they were wrong about Christianity and went to hell that at least they made their own decision.
We told them about Christ and the gospel. We shared with them our believes. As much as they would let us talk we discussed the fallacy in their arguments. They just wanted to bring up absurd ideas. They were so empty and so angry. As we were about to leave, Tim was making really negative comments like, "Run along children back to your religion." I said thanks for talking to us and he said, "Thanks for wasting our time." I felt myself getting angry at him, so I reached my hand out and asked them their names. My heart has been so heavy for those two guys and I have not been able to stop thinking about that conversation. They hoped to knock us off our feet, to dispel our belief, but Melanie and I both left emboldened with a greater belief than before, so thankful for our salvation. They have faith in randomness, in self, slaves to sin and the world, not realizing that they, in their attempt to have their own "freedom" are found slaves. We are always slave so something and it is either Christ or sin. They think they have freedom, but they don't. I pray that the Lord will envelop Tim and John and that they will one day get on their knees and lift their hands to Him! It was an amazing experience getting to talk with them, one we didn't go looking for. Pray! Pray for opportunities to share Christ, it is amazing what the Lord will do!

I saw a man get hit by a car today...at least I think he got hit by a car. I was on my way to work and I was approaching a major intersection. I looked up and saw something in the road that looked like trash bags. A truck was stopped right behind it and as I came up beside it I noticed it was a man. The man was lying there, with two trash bags filled with cans and other things. He was trying to get up and he couldn't. He had blood on his face. I stopped my car, but there were already several people out of theirs helping them. I got out to make sure.
In the background I heard my cd player with David Crowder singing, All the love in the world, is right here among us and hatred too...so We must choose what our hands will do. And surely we can change something...
It was a weird moment, not fully sure why. I feel the Lord moving in me, speaking to me, calling me away to Him. Thank you Lord

$399.00 and up

I saw a sign today that really disturbed me. It was one of those marquis signs for advertising and it was in front of a small law firm in Fort Worth. The sign simply said...
"DIVORCE... $399.00 and up!"
I drove past and all I could think is.....Is that really what it costs? Want a divorce?...We've got a deal for you, and its only going to cost you $399. It kind of made me sick. It costs more than we could ever imagine. It kills your soul, beats you down, destroys children, steals hope. But hey, we want out, we want out now and we want out at the lowest monetary cost possible without thought or care for the other prices we pay. I would say the price is a whole lot steeper than $399.

tokens and transgressions

I recently started working with Mckinney Church again, but this time as the 6th grade girls intern instead of the college intern...quite the change! We did an all night lock-out last Friday night, which is actually similar to what the Chinese do to terrorists as a form of torture, only they don't eat pizza and play laser tag. Anyway, from 12:00 am until 3:30 am we were at this put put arcade place. Everyone had this giant cup filled with tokens and I began to play this one game with a few other kids. Its one of those games where you drop the token and there are two levels filled with tokens. The point is to get yours to land on the top level which is moving and push off tokens onto the next level, which push tokens over the edge and essentially wins you lots of tickets. This is the game that made me realize how easy it would be to become a gambler. I, along with several students, used all to most of our tokens on that game; just putting them in one right after another and each time hoping that this would be the big one that would put us on top.
I had a small revelation today that this is sin. I am not arguing that an arcade game is sin or that playing it was sin. I am saying that that is how sin works. We are drawn to something, see something, feel something, want something and so we test it out. We are looking for it to do something for us, fulfill something. Maybe it does, but even if it does it is only for a second. So we keep putting tokens in, each time hoping that this will be the one that leaves us needing nothing else. Just one more. Just one more. Just one more. It just never does though. There is nothing on earth that leaves us needing nothing else. It is only Jesus.

Luke 4

I am passionately in love with The Village Church, here in Texas. It has been one of the most redeeming parts of this whole seminary experience. I have never been and not learned something that seemed to shake me to the core. Last night was no different. Matt, the pastor, just has a way of communicating that leaves you wanting to hear more of the Word. The only explanation I have for this is an incredible gifting and touch of the Holy Spirit. Anyway, on to my point. Last night he preached through the temptation of Jesus in Luke 4. He pointed out that Jesus used Scripture as the answer to temptation. If you have at all been exposed to the church you have probably heard this same application. But Matt said it in a way that I had never heard before. He said that many times we think that Scripture is some kind of magic wand that we wave in the face of temptation to make it instantly disappear. It isn't a magic spell. Scripture is a lens, the only lens. I once read in a book that Jesus didn't come to establish another religion, He came to show us how things really are. This is what Matt was alluding to. The Scriptures show us at the deepest level of reality what the world is like. When temptations come they help us to see it how it really is. They show us the reality of sin, its death and destruction. They show us the true nature of life and joy and hope. They show us what God is like, that He is not holding out on us. They aren't our wand, they're our lens. We must know Scripture, hid in it, meditate on it, hold to it, because without it we cannot see rightly and we will always fall prey to temptation.

Paradise 2008

My first semester at seminary I was placed with my advisor, Dr. Richard Ross. Dr. Ross is a powerful man of God with vision and passion from the Lord. He told us in the first couple of months last fall that the Lord had been waking him up at 3:00 am with a vision. This vision woke him up every morning for a week. What he saw was a large open field, with a magnificent throne in the middle and young people coming from each corner to worship at the throne. After more than a year of praying, planning, consulting, sharing and dreaming Paradise 08 was born.
On May 25th, 2008 in a feild in Lacygne, Kansas, thousands of teenagers from all four corners of the U.S. will come to worship the King from sun up to sun down. No merchandise will be sold, no royalties will be made, no speaker will be heard, not stage will be present, no band member will be visible. For one full day, people will worship Jesus with no other agenda in mind. You need to check this out. It is going to be massive. God is doing something here, it is his vision, it is His glory.
Check it out Paradise 08

Good gifts

Matthew 7:9-11 says, "What man among you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

Jesus reveals a bit of the character of the Father here. The Father desires to give good gifts to His children. What are these good gifts God gives us? My professor told a story about his son when he was young. His son got a large splinter in his foot that broke off deep under the surface. My professor took one look at it and knew he had two options; take him to the clinic and let someone hurt him badly, or he must hurt him badly. As he and his wife held his son down his son said, "Daddy, daddy! Stop! Why are you doing this?" The father knew if he left that splinter in it would abscess, become infected, etc. Did this father give His son a good gift? YES!

We have such limited understanding. We believe that good gifts are health, wealth, comfort and happiness. What we don't see is that God desires our growth not our comfort and everything he does is for this purpose. Though we often miss it, God is orchestrating, moment by moment, opportunities for us to grow. This is how the Father gives us good gifts.