deference training

I am really struggling, and in many ways have always struggled, with what I want to do with my life. I floundered in college, back and forth, from major to major and then landed, with an extra semester of school, on a degree that is mostly worthless. I spent a semester traveling and working, a summer working at camp and then enrolled in Seminary, where I have spent the last 3 years somewhat avoiding the decision I now face again-what do I want to do with my life. Seven years later I am still trying to "figure it out." Figuring things out is a common human agenda and a huge barrier between a life of deep faith and life run by the illusion of control. If I can figure it out, then I can control it.

A couple of weeks ago my roommate and I took our puppies to the vet. The vet who saw them just happened to be an animal behavioral specialist. She told us she was going to show us something called deference training. It is designed to teach your dog who is the master and who is not. Basically, she took each dog, one at a time, and held it down on its side. When the dog struggled against her she would make a disapproving noise and push down until the dog relaxed. When the dog stopped fighting she would praise it. She repeated this until the dog was perfectly relaxed and then she repeated the process with each dog on its back. Surprisingly, Henry fought the hardest (Really hard) and she said that he had a control issue. Though he is a sweet and good natured dog, he does not like not being in control. The vet explained that when a dog defers to its master, it is relinquishing its control and showing its full trust in the master's authority.

Every time I do this deference training with Cali it weighs on me that this is a picture of my relationship with God. I am in desperate need of deference training. I have, for a quite a while now, been "running my own life," with my own agenda, and when I look back on it, I have been running in circles. By trying to control the path of my life, the only thing I can be sure of is that I have missed opportunities to truly live. Unfortunately, God doesn't pin us down until we cry uncle. He allows us to live under the illusion of control for as long as it takes for us to realize that it is just that, an illusion; and that relinquishing control to him is actually what will set us free to truly live.

I am praying for the strength to lay my control down, to lay on my side relaxed, giving my Master my full trust.